Pretty Cheerful

Some personal thoughts on universal themes

Back to the unknown complexity…

So, for the past two years or so I have been pretty obsessed with Buddhism and yoga and spirituality things of that nature.  It has been a rocky experience.  I constantly go back and forth in my mind about how I feel regarding new age philosophy.

The past two years have been a rocky time in general, I would say.  I have been adjusting to being married, going back to school, and embracing being an adult more fully than I ever have before.  I took up knitting, which has progressed delightfully.  The fact that I can now be in one place, sitting quietly, long enough to knit is a sign that I have most definitely changed.  In my early twenties I was a mess of overwhelmed intensity.  I couldn’t really sit still or make sense of my life very well.

I have been longing for something comforting.  I think I sought comfort when I turned to Buddhism.  Of course, Buddhist teachings are pushing you toward the opposite of comfort, pushing you to be comfortable not clinging to anything.

I have not been a wild success at anything in adulthood.  Of course, now I’m beginning to think that contentment is the thing in adulthood, and concrete success is beside the point.  But with Buddhism I think I wanted to be successful somehow, to prove some kind of point to myself.

For me, Buddhism is not happening.  My scientific brain yearns for questioning and something more.  My heart yearns to be free and not to be caught up in any religion, no matter how appealing it may be.  I think life is too complex to have only one answer.  I don’t think there is any “answer” to life.  Surviving each day with style seems to be it.  I will most likely continue to read Buddhist books from time to time for a dose of the surreal and imaginative into my life.  And I will probably always have a lot of respect for Buddhism, it’s just not for me entirely.

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