I haven’t been feeling quite myself recently.  A lack of confidence has unfortunately given me a surreal feeling of emptiness in my own skin.  My transition to independence has been rocky.

Mid-morning yesterday I had an epiphany.  As part of my epiphany I realized my own sense of strength and stark yet mighty independence.  I discovered in my own way what absolute freedom means to me, and how no one can give you that sense of freedom, you must claim it for yourself.  As part of my epiphany also I realized that I am a spiritual atheist.  I believe that the universe is an amazing and wonderous place, but I do not believe in any overseeing divine authority.  I think we are on our own to sort things out.

Two nights ago I tossed and turned because of bizarre lucid dreams in which I was flying around the room in a disturbing way.  In one scene of my dreams, a man whispered in my ear, “you are on the wheel of desire.”  To me this had a Buddhist, samsara idea to it, as in, you must stop blindly following your mindless conditioning.

After my midmorning epiphany, I knew I must spend time outside, in nature and in the fresh air.  I drove to a beautiful lake near where I live.

As I walked along the path by the lake, I saw many different types of birds going about their business.  It was inspiring to see so many majestic birds.  There were many geese and even a few baby goosies.  There were small birds flying around the trees and bushes.  One dark-feathered bird collected bunches of small twigs from the ground in front of me where I sat on a bench.

As I walked back to leave, I heard a single splash of water.  I turned to see a large gray heron lifting up out of the water and flying off.

Each bird and each tree I saw, as well as the tiny ripples of waves over the surface of the lake, painted a picture of serene nature.  I felt welcomed as just another part of nature, because the birds paid me little attention.  Every detail of nature that I observed seemed like a precious gift.

Maybe that is why we often assume there must be a god, because so much of life seems like a precious gift, so we assume there must be a Giver.

So, perhaps I remain skeptical and open-minded at the same time.  Perhaps my sense of divinity is so complex and nuanced that it could never be defined or categorized.

Sometimes I wonder how well we ever communicate with each other.  Everything we say is a translation of our actual experience.  Even though we share some types of experiences, we are each on a unique path in life.  Anything communicated must be interpreted through the lens of past experience and current attempt at understanding.

I will continue to stumble forward through my days.  I am curious what each day will bring, what insights and observations will reveal new ideas and wisdom.  I marvel at the simplicity and complexity of life, the light easiness of life and the heavy burdens or challenges that still appear.

I sit in my comfy chair reading spirituality books and pondering life’s mysteries.  I attempt to establish a work ethic that will make a few tangible creations out of my days.

My great challenge in life stays stagnant in the past.  When I review my own history, I cannot make sense of the perils I faced in my own brain.  The curious yearning I have as I live is not easily satisfied, and it has led me through dangerous, stormy waters.  Testing the boundaries of the mind and of my own understanding of reality has come with a steep price.

Some days I feel energetic and so I feel as though I am capable of facing life’s challenges.  Other times I feel morose and unable to cope.  Perhaps if I remember the simple beauties of nature, I will be better off overall.

I can’t “double-check” my life against anyone else’s to see if I’m doing it right.  I can’t attempt to be in agreement with all of my friends and family, and the rest of the world too.

Of course, there is an important time for getting along with society.  There are certain important structures and boundaries.  But each person must be a unique individual.  And to be that unique individual, you’re going to end up sticking out as your own weird person.

To me, being “my own weird Monster” means not being afraid of my own strength to direct my own actions and thoughts on this planet.  What’s exactly right for me in my life would not be exactly right for anyone else.  So, while I may be odd, I’m just going to embrace the oddness and weirdness that is right for me.

People are really brave, and it is time for me to join the ranks of all of these wonderful, brave people who do what they have to do each day.  Laziness has gotten the best of me for two years, but it is time to fight the laziness and just be bold and brave each day.  This means working hard and working directly toward my goals.

I’ve been doing everything possible to shirk my adult responsibilities.  I was like, “I’ll pass” on the whole responsibility and working hard thing.  But strangely, trying to follow what fear directs and trying to always, always find the path of no resistance is not working for me at all.  It has not made me happier, it has only made me less happy and more fearful of even more things.

So even though I still feel very fearful and unsure about nearly every issue life brings up, I will go forward bravely and for once try to do my best by working hard.  To me, this means working toward all of my many goals, for career and health and every daily task that is important and needs to be done.  It will take a while to change all of my lazy bad habits, but I am determined to finally be my best.

It is sad to read about others’ painful life experiences. It makes me want to help children who currently need help. At the same time, I feel helpless because my small efforts would not change the entire world. However, it is inspiring to know that many adults are able to eventually create the lives they really want, overcoming their painful childhoods.

I remember, years ago, reading Gavin DeBecker’s book “The Gift of Fear” from cover to cover. He seems to have devoted his life work to helping others after his difficult experiences growing up. I also read parts of a new book yesterday by a person with borderline personality disorder. The author struggled for years with her destructive feelings. I am always saddened when I think of the talented musician Elliott Smith. It seems like the dark childhood he faced always haunted him.

I have only faced a tiny fraction of the dark experiences that others have overcome. Even the small struggles that I have faced were very difficult emotionally at times. Naturally, I have incredible admiration for the many people who have survived very horrible experiences.

Of course, as just an observer and a reader, it is difficult to know how to channel your sympathies. Certainly, at the very least, I feel gratitude for having positive people throughout my life who have allowed me to become a good person. Not everyone has the opportunity to be a person who respects others because of tremendous adversity. In the nature versus nurture debate, I am about one hundred percent on the side of nurture. I think environment is the main factor in a person’s development. The fact that some people in the world never have a chance for a success story is very heartbreaking.

I took a class last semester on child maltreatment. Unfortunately, children typically do not have opportunities to replace their families, even if the family they are born into is not a nurturing environment.

My hope for the world is that each individual out there gets exactly the real, direct help in life that she or he needs. I know that often does not happen, but I still think idealistic goals have a place. I know, to some small extent, what it is like to feel alone and without the real help or guidance that you need. Human beings are sometimes there for each other, and other times we really let each other down. But as a global society, we can continue to improve and increase the ways that we help each other out and also take care of ourselves in a nurturing way as adults.

So, with an awareness of the tremendous struggles that many others face, I feel determined to at least try to do my small part. As always, my goal is to treat all others with respect. Human beings deserve cheerfulness, grace, and dignity. Life can be either heaven or hell, created by the humans present. As adults, we have the capacity to help create nurturing environments for ourselves and others. If we have a small space to create a peaceful atmosphere, we are very fortunate indeed, and our future children will benefit from all cheerful progress we are able to make. Hopefully one day, all children will have safe and happy homes.

In psychology class yesterday, we discussed the hierarchy of needs and also, spontaneously, the nature of happiness, which was a very animated discussion. Humans have many essential needs, only beginning with food and shelter. We also need safety and esteem and a sense of purpose. We even need cheerful environments with access to nature, which is peaceful and actually soothing to our brains.

Yes, there will always be an element of struggle to life. But there is no need to make life worse than it needs to be. Everyone faces their own mortality and at least some hardships. But if each person does their best to help life be the amazing experience that it can be, needless suffering can be completely ended.

I feel very idealistic about the future. There are many wonderful people who do a lot of good each day. People have suffered through many painful past experiences. Yet, so many people have held on to the good in life and overcome their struggles in amazing ways, and that makes me very hopeful about life.

I live in my own personal land of plenty.  Every hobby is completely supplied.  For knitting, I have many skeins of yarn.  For scrapbooking, I have many colorful papers.

I have collected shelves and shelves of very interesting books.  I have enough reading for the next 10 years or so.  To me, the interesting books also mean inspiration.  So, I feel lucky to have acquired 10 years worth of inspiration.  This shows how rich life can be.

I may not have everything figured out, but I certainly can’t complain.

The richness and complexity of life is awesome because it puts to rest my worst fear, boredom.  I guess having a fear of boredom says something about the luxurious era I live in.  I’m no longer fearing actual survival, I am fearing what happens after I know I can survive.

There’s a quote from John Adams that keeps me from feeling too terribly guilty about my good fortune:

“I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain.”  John Adams

(Let’s replace “sons” with “daughters” or “daughters and sons.”)  I am part of the generation that gets to study art and music, and basically whatever I want, because so many people worked really hard before me.  And the more work I accomplish well as an adult, the luckier my future children will be too.

So, as I realize that I may need an additional large bookshelf, I feel incredible good fortune.   Although many people are facing economic hardships currently, I think our era in general means a wealth of interesting reading, music, and art.  Many of my books I found at a used bookstore for a very reasonable price, and many classics are now available for free online.

Since I get to enjoy absolute freedom to read as many interesting books as the daily hours allow, I am going to respond by feeling gratitude for my good fortune.  Hopefully in the future I will have opportunities to share good fortune with others.  I think richness and wealth don’t actually have to cost that much money.  And, most people do not feel true wealth unless they have friends and family to share the interesting ideas with.  To me, true wealth means having the materials to be inspired and live enthusiastically each day.

I’m listening to the Rolling Stones “You can’t always get what you want” and also the Killers “All these things that I’ve done.”  Two epic songs, yet with a lot of real emotion behind them it seems.

Reaching adulthood after a very gradual and arduous climb, I’ve begrudgingly learned some things.  As a youngster, I could get away with only being idealistic about things.  I dreamed that one day, over the horizon, everything would turn out to be absolutely perfect.  And, additionally, it would be absolutely perfect in just the way that I wanted it to be perfect.

It has been difficult for me to commit to a responsible future.  I’m securely married, so that takes care of a lot of issues that used to be open-ended.  I have slowly been adding and deciding what hobbies I will pursue.  I’ve struggled with the school commitment that would lead to one definite career.

Part of me is still always looking to the horizon for the something new or different.  But that’s old news at this point in my life.  (Now playing:  Rolling Stones “Wild Horses.”)  It takes a new set of skills and good habits to be content and feel good about staying in one place.

Over the weekend I had my last thoughts of making a dash for the horizon.  Maybe travel the world in some extravagant way, or reinvent myself so that I would be practically unrecognizable.  But attempting to make huge changes to my life when I have finally become very happy (for about the first time in ten years) wouldn’t make any sense, would it?  Nope.  My more mature brain knows that I have been out there on my own, chasing that horizon, and it never lead to anything worthwhile, good, secure, or remotely happy.  So the part of my heart that wants to keep roaming had better get used to being happy in one place.

Even the question “why?” seems more youthful at this point.  “Why?” seems to be a challenge that says things should be a different way.  But I have learned that it is wiser to actually see how things are.  A clear-eyed observation of the truth will not be heart-warming in many cases.  But seeing things as they really are will allow you to make the wiser choices, such as a wise choice to stay happy where you are in the world.

The grass may look greener over there, but after a number of years and a number of life lessons have gone by, you finally know that the green grass in the distance is just an optical illusion and not worth chasing.  It is time to stay steady, to stay content in one, finally, happy place.

Playing a dorky card game with my husband is making me get over the remaining bits of my snobbery.  I will not disclose quite how snobby I have been in the past, but it wasn’t admirable.  For instance, before I met my husband, I took pride in never eating at certain fast food restaurants, that type of thing.  Now, I take pride in just being myself, from the formal to the casual and informal occasions.  Being comfortable in all types of settings and environments in a cool way is really appealing to me and now a trait that I value.

I participated in a big presentation on Tuesday.  It went really well even though we hit a few awkward points.  Something about a bit of public speaking has always been fun to me.  It’s kind of that rush you get after you play a big show.  You know that you have pushed yourself and lived up to the personal challenge.  Also, this was a big study week.  My two tests went fairly well I think.

Very recently I am coming to terms with money not being bad; I tell myself that money is just a tool.  Greed is bad, money is fairly neutral.  Unfortunately I have grown up equating money with being inherently negative and greedy somehow, but I think that is not the case at all.  I like something along the lines of the abundance idea.  I think if we share our resources successfully there is really enough for everyone.  I can still fight guilty feelings when I think of how many people in the world don’t share all of my good fortune.  But then I tell myself, many people are fighting to help others; no one wants to leave anyone out in the cold.  I am idealistic that someday, if we all pitch-in in different ways, no one will be homeless and no one will have to live in poverty.  Hopefully historical and regional inequalities will continue to level out in the coming years so that every individual has access to the resources they need to be fully comfortable and fully enjoying life.  I think the good fortune and plenty that many Americans enjoy should be enjoyed by everyone on the planet.  (Although hopefully in a much more environmentally friendly way, of course.)

After a whiney weekend, I somehow managed to start Monday with a lot of energy and focus.  Each new day brings new wonders and beauty.  A smattering of bad days here and there just have to be faced with emotional bravery and a sense that the moodiness will not last forever.

I am settling down after incredible career choice oscillations.  Like, I would change my mind every two hours even though it’s not even decision-making time.  I think I am slowly working on making a true career commitment.  Part of the focus for me is on doing the hard work that it takes each day.  Working hard is actually much less stressful than worrying about working hard, and I have found this out through the personal experience of worrying a ton and getting nowhere.

November is National Novel Writing Month and I have my main idea ready, so I will just be able to jump into the writing.  I’m really looking forward to the challenge.  I know that I can write easily and I am pretty competent at silencing my inner critic for the rough draft stage, so the Novel Writing Month should be really fun.

Oh, and did I say in the last post that I was through with Buddhism and spirituality?  That was the idea of the moment.  Basically, it is sometimes difficult for me to be committed to only one certain idea (other than to my marriage, that’s the only commitment I don’t hesitate at all about).

I live for my carefree days, which grace me with their presence a few times per month.  Today is a carefree day after a happy evening and waking up to a happy morning as well.  Even though I will, I can’t complain.

The past two years have been a rocky time in general, I would say.  I have been adjusting to being married, going back to school, and embracing being an adult more fully than I ever have before.  I took up knitting, which has progressed delightfully.  The fact that I can now be in one place, sitting quietly, long enough to knit is a sign that I have most definitely changed.  In my early twenties I was a mess of overwhelmed intensity.  I couldn’t really sit still or make sense of my life very well.

I have been longing for something comforting.  I think I sought comfort when I turned to Buddhism.  Of course, Buddhist teachings are pushing you toward the opposite of comfort, pushing you to be comfortable not clinging to anything.

I have not been a wild success at anything in adulthood.  Of course, now I’m beginning to think that contentment is the thing in adulthood, and concrete success is beside the point.  But with Buddhism I think I wanted to be successful somehow, to prove some kind of point to myself.

For me, Buddhism is not happening.  My scientific brain yearns for questioning and something more.  My heart yearns to be free and not to be caught up in any religion, no matter how appealing it may be.  I think life is too complex to have only one answer.  I don’t think there is any “answer” to life.  Surviving each day with style seems to be it.  I will most likely continue to read Buddhist books from time to time for a dose of the surreal and imaginative into my life.  And I will probably always have a lot of respect for Buddhism, it’s just not for me entirely.

I am creating this new blog in order to cultivate a sunny disposition.  I tend to be moody and emotional on my first blog, Musings and Contemplations.  Sometimes it is just the right moment for a clean slate.  Although, the randomness of my collected thoughts will probably remain the same.

This weekend I was thinking about relationships, both personal and broad.  In society we are interconnected by the ways we contribute to our world each day.  I will never be able to meet all 6 billion plus people that are currently inhabiting the planet, but I can respect them and have compassion for them from afar.

With personal relationships, we share our lives with those closest to us.  There is respect and love and concrete ways that we show each other how we care.  It has been a challenge for me to appreciate fully my small place in the grand scheme of things.  The key to my life currently is enjoying a caring marriage.  Ultimately, my husband and I share our lives, and he is the only person who will know who I am completely, every day and every hour spent together.  With that foundation of one person who knows who I am, I can put the demands of my ego to rest in daily life.

I visited my family this past weekend, which is somewhat rare these days.  It was a pleasant visit, but disconcerting at the same time because these are the people who have seen me at my worst.  Driving back, I struggled with my feelings.  I had to come to terms with accepting my past loss of dignity.  In the past I would have been completely overwhelmed by stressful emotions.  On the drive home, I was actually able to accept things about my life that have previously seemed unacceptable.

My perspective on life has typically not been very accurate in the past.  In my mind, I have been staggering around in life as if intoxicated by something unseen but potent.  Very recently I have finally been able to gain some maturity.  My life is balancing out in a calm and reassuring way.

As Conor Oberst would say, “I’ve been staring out a periscope from my deep opium den.” (To misquote a song from his Cassidega album.)  I’ve had my perception of life colored by my troubled emotions.  With the help of Buddhist ideas and some good sense, perhaps I will be able to keep walking slowly in a positive direction.

I write in a really personal way.  Besides being a recovering ego-maniac, I hope there is something slightly universal about my ponderings.  I think human beings are pretty isolated from each other, each of us housed in our own brain.  But it is somehow reassuring to know that there are themes to the human condition.  Each person faces her own pattern of challenges and struggles, but we can respect  that our 6 billion far off friends are struggling through something maybe similar, maybe not so similar.  Growing up, I felt like just an observer of life.  But the past ten years I’ve been thrown in the stormy ocean of life just like anyone else.  After recently giving up my constant complaining, I can now say I am really enjoying the swim.